I love babies + I’m 30 + I’m childless/free = occasional chaos.
As the years have gone by my Facebook has slowly morphed from college keg party pictures to graduation pictures to my first-career pictures, to my new-house pictures… to well.. you guessed it… baby pictures. I’m well aware that there are childfree folk out there who despise the constant flood of social media babies galore. I, on the other hand, think that a little bundle of soft tissue is about the dardest thing. I enjoy a chubby-cheek-filled feed. Besides, I probably have equally as many pictures of my four legged mutt on the ol’ social media. I get it! So, where am I going with this? This decade in my life is considered crunch time. It’s as if 80% of the people I know are working toward, in the process of growing, or have babies. I am so happy for them, but I must say… it certainly hasn’t been easy for me. And once my coworkers (the majority of them are 2-3 years younger than me) start having them…ohhh boy (or girl)!
Self Talk: Denise… you’re 30. You’ve built your fortress and now is the time to let that foundation settle and solidify. You’ve built walls strong enough to withhold the occasional storm. Right? Everything’s lining up for a long beautiful stretch. But realize, you still have much to work through and much to learn about myself.
I type this today because I WAS on a nice roll with the Meaningful Childless Life podcast and blog, but I had a hiccup. You see, My husband and I realized that with all the issues concerning our fertility, that we would be happier if we made the DECISION to not try to have children. That the effort in medical treatment/surgery with the heavy possibility of failure would hurt much more than if we were to take the matter into our own hands. Does having CONTROL over the matter make you happier? That’s what we decided after months and months of discussion.
It felt relieving to have a final decision. We could move into an acceptance phase and begin to plan the rest of our decades. But there it came… Sideswiped! Bang! Bump! Strike! Crash! Two of my best friends got pregnant! Oy vey! And not only did I oogle over their baby bumps, but now I can’t get enough of those baby filled FB feeds. They’re out to make motherhood look realllllll easy.
Believe it or not, I had a process to go through myself during their journeys. This process is what I like to call a Personal Awareness Check (PAC). I found myself asking those big questions again. Thoughts and concerns reverted back to years before… stuff I thought I had already worked through. The back and forth was endless, for months:
Am I going to regret not trying for a child? You don’t have a child because you’re scared of regret. That’s selfish.
I wish I didn’t have fertility issues so that it could accidentally happen. Hey idiot… If fate’s telling, then it’s obviously supposed to happen this way. Embrace it.
How is it just so easy for everyone else? Maybe it isn’t. Maybe pictures aren’t a tell all.
If I’m not willing to do everything in my power to become pregnant, is that telling enough?
I don’t want to try because I’m afraid of it failing over and over and it’ll crush me much worse. Maybe we should at least try and if it fails, then it’s truly meant to be.
If I bring this up again, I’ll do nothing but work myself into exhaustion. But would that be worth it? Nyeahhh, go read a book.
How do you even have a baby if you hold a demanding career? Yikes. Just yikes. Would having both not be good for anyone?
Tony and I have already talked it to death and I know that logically, our decision to not try is the right answer. We wouldn’t be human if our thoughts and beliefs weren’t constantly being tested. I had to rework my mind through positive self-talk, had to re-listen to those baby talk podcasts to check my deep feelings, and even had to discuss it again with Tony. When tough discussions and feelings resurface, it’s never fun… but you can’t just ignore them. I realize that as I grow into my 30’s all of this will probably resurface more often than I’d like. I know that I’m strong enough to handle it and that whatever life throws our way, we will grow from it and be better people for it.
I wanted to share this with you because I realize the majority of blogs and podcasts about being “childfree” seem so secure with their choices. They seem so easy and sometimes I think they’re nearly baby-bashing websites and the followers have made unwavering decisions. But I know myself. I know that these feelings and questions will rise and sink again as I move through life. If this effects me, I know there are those out there who have to rework through this big life question. I’m here for you if you need it! Please leave a comment or email me if you can relate, and consider sharing it with the rest of us to grow from!
Hope everyone had a nice view of the solar eclipse yesterday! Enjoy your week and let’s keep crushing this life!
FB: Denise Viapiano